Fatherlessness

Full transcript · two voices

The Epidemic Of Fatherlessness (Statistics)

Welcome to another episode of the show. We’re here with Red. The United States has over eighteen million fatherless children. That is more than any other nation in the world. I’ll give you some stats. According to the Census Bureau, of 17.6 million children, nearly 1 in every 4 live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home. Let’s frame that a little bit. That’s enough children to fill New York City twice.

Two times.

It could also be Los Angeles four times.

It’s a fatherlessness epidemic. I did not know that fatherlessness was a real word. Do you know how sad that makes me that that’s a real word, and it’s a real epidemic out there? Look at the stats that you said. Eighteen million children. Our two largest cities can be filled twice and four times with just children. Look at the stat that you said. This is not that they don’t have a biological father. They don’t have a stepfather. They don’t have any male in their life.

At home. One in every four. It is staggering when you look at the statistics. We know that it has been a problem, but we don’t realize how much of a problem it has been. Hence, the word that we use. Epidemic. It really is because there are a lot of issues that stem from that root.

That’s the whole premise of this show. How many people are unaware that we have that many children living without a father? The only way that we’re going to start to do something about it is if people are aware there’s a problem. They say that the father is the foundation of the home. It is what makes children secure. It is what makes children feel protected. Eighteen million children are out there who will never feel that. Something has to be done. Those statistics are blowing my mind, thinking about it.

One in every four.

You look at another statistic that we’re talking about. Fatherless families are four times more likely to live in poverty. You’re taking a child who has no protection, and you are sending them into a poverty childhood. That’s how they’re growing up. When we wonder why we have children all over the world who are living in lack and are seeking everything outside of themselves, look at how they grew up. They grew up with no protection. They grew up with no means. They grew up with so much lack. That’s what they seek because that’s what they know.

You have to think about this. The stat said that they’re four times likely to live in poverty. You’re talking about monetary. Let’s talk about how there’s a poverty of our minds. We’re human beings. We weren’t put here to make money. When we think about poverty, we think about how people live, but there are people who live or are rich who are also impoverished because they’re not getting what they need biologically.

When we look at the biological piece of being fathered, it’s more than paying for what clothes you have on your back. If that were the case, the lions would be screwed because I don’t think they have access to money. They say that humans are the only species that goes against the laws of nature. No other species worries about the monetary, the rat race, the titles, or how they look.

They care. They reproduce, and then they love and take care of them. They create lions. They create kings. They create things that will carry on their lineage and carry on their purpose.

It’s inside out. If you’re an empty shell, there’s nothing inside. When you look at nature, and we pick an animal like the eagle or the lion, it thrives because it knows who it is and what it was put here to do. Even when you look at the faith of how long an eagle sits on an egg before it hatches, that takes a lot of faith. You know what you have down there. It’s an eagle, not a chicken, so it takes a little longer to form. It’s interesting. Here are some other stats. 70% to 85% of long-term prison inmates or youths who grow up in prison were fatherless.

Let me tell you something. That’s something that hits true to me. That’s something that I can speak on firsthand.

The Link Between Fatherlessness & Criminality/Lack Of Validation

We have the best defense attorney in the world here. Tell us a little bit about that and the correlation between fatherlessness.

I have been a criminal defense attorney for fifteen years. I didn’t use to pick up on it or notice, but in the past several years, I started asking clients, “Did you grow up with a father in your home? Ninety percent of my clients say, “No.” When I start to look at it, I start to get into their background. They didn’t grow up with a father, and then their grandfather was in prison. Every male role model that they have was in prison or nonexistent.

You start to ask them about their lives. They got into drugs, gangs, and all of these things at such a young age because all they were seeking was validation and acceptance. You have these young men, in particular. Don’t get me wrong. Having a young woman without a father has its own issues. I can think of several clients that I’ve had, but it’s so predominant in males.

There was a story. If you want to know the power of being a father and how it can change your life and your children’s lives, this happened to me. It resonates with me. It still sits right here. I had a client. He has never known his father, and because of that, he got into drugs at eleven. He hung out with the wrong people. He’s now 26 years old. He has a son, and he has been in and out of prison. He has been nonexistent in his son’s life because of his drug use.

The mother of his children passed away. His mother is raising his two children, a son and a daughter. He’s been sober for a little bit. He’s in a sober facility. He goes to visit his children, and his mother allows him because he’s sober. He takes his son and his daughter to the park. His daughter runs off to play, and his son’s favorite thing is the slide. They go to the park, and the son will not let go of his dad’s hand. The dad walks him to the slide and is like, “Go play.” He says, “No, Dad, because I’m scared that by the time I get to the bottom of the slide, you’ll be gone.”

My client said that was the moment he decided he had to get better and do better to be in his son’s life because he did not want his son to turn into him. Hearing his six-year-old know and be able to articulate, “If I let go of your hand for one minute, by the time I turn around, you’re going to be gone,” that shows you how much kids are aware and how traumatizing it is for them.

Without a father, kids are 3 to 20 times more likely to be incarcerated. Fatherlessness is powerful. Here’s another step I’ll give you. Eight percent of rapists come from fatherless homes. In 56 school shootings, 82% came from single-parent homes. It’s a powerful predictor of a lot of things.

Let’s go back again. All of these things I can talk about so much. The number one thing that they say about a horrible, violent crime like rape is that it is a crime of power. The number one thing that someone who has no power seeks is power. What do we say that the father is to the home? He’s the structure. He’s the protector. He is what gives the children security. You take away that peace from the home, and you have a home full of insecure, lost children. When they’re seeking that, they are more likely to commit crimes like that. They are more likely to seek things outside of themselves to reach out. It is such a devastating thing to take away what kids need the most, and it’s protection.

You talked about an eagle sitting on its egg for that long. The children of animals in nature are so vulnerable. You have a baby lion. You have all of these things. The number one predators are looking for the children. Those are the easiest ones. They can’t fight themselves off. Those parents are never ever leaving them alone, unsupervised, and unguided.

I had an experience with it. A mother moose is probably one of the deadliest animals around when it’s with its children. They will do anything to protect their children. Humans are the only species that go against the laws of nature. We leave our children out there. Let’s continue. Seventy-one percent of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. Ninety percent of all homeless and runaway children come from fatherless homes. Ninety percent of homeless and fatherless children come from fatherless homes. If we do not see an issue with this and we do not start doing something about this, we’re going to be in for a rude awakening as a society.

The Necessity Of Parental Self-Identity & Wholeness

As you were talking, I thought about this. You talked about the moose. The thing that is distinctly different between the moose and most humans is that the moose does not have an identity problem. The moose knows why it was put here. It acts in such a nature of why it was put here. They can do their job of protecting.

As humans, what I see is that we don’t know why we’re here, so we have children. We’re still trying to figure ourselves out. It’s like, “You’re taking away from my time.” I’ve heard people say stuff like, “Look what you did to my body.” A mother said that to a child one time. It’s ridiculous. It’s a beautiful thing to have a child. That’s the insecurity of that human speaking insecurity into the child. You can’t protect something if you need to be protected. A lot of our adults are walking out here unprotected, having children, and trying to protect the children. You can’t protect something if you need it. Your bases have to be covered.

You cannot give something you don’t have.

You’re giving out a lack, and you don’t have it.

If you don’t love yourself, you’re unable to give true, unconditional love to your child. You don’t even know the definition of love.

For those of you who need a graphic of this, if I’m unable to breathe, I can’t do this. I don’t have time.

If I don’t have air for myself, I can’t give you any to help you breathe.

You have to have something in abundance to give. A lot of us are operating out of lack. When you talked about the moose, I could see the parallel of the moose knowing and being sturdy within who she is. Her job at that time is to protect versus, “I need an identity outside of my child.” Who do you need an identity for?

If we want to look at families, parents raising children, and the reason why the father is so critical. I’m a mother. I’m not speaking on, “I don’t know.” I’m not saying, “Women, listen. Both parents are vital and critical.”

They play roles.

The Father’s Protective Role (Lessons From Nature)

When we’re looking at these statistics, the last one I have written down was that 60% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. When we are looking at the element that the father adds, that protection, you have to look at, “Can the home survive without him?” Let’s go back to lions. Let’s go back to nature. Why do you think women go hunting? The women hunt because the male has to stay behind to protect the pride. If the man goes and hunts, when he gets back, there might not be a pride to feed.

No kids, nothing.

That is what another pride is looking for. They are looking for that opportunity. People laugh, like, “He’s there sleeping.” He’s conserving his energy. Let me tell you something. If somebody comes to threaten his pride, he’s going to be up so fast. All of his energy was saved to do what he was born to do. Every other species knows its purpose and knows the king of that pride is there to protect its pride. It will be a bad day for anyone who comes to try to challenge that.

That’s when you’re in tune with nature.

The woman doesn’t scoff and say, “Why do I have to go hunt again?” She knows her role.

It’s because there’s a purpose.

She knows her purpose. When we look at how important it is, these statistics should scare people. They should cause people to pause. They should cause you to look at what you’re doing. You cannot reproduce recklessly and not have a plan.

If you happen to reproduce, you have to understand that the mother and the father are a pivotal part of the identity of that child. You guys have something beautiful, not something to use against each other. You have an assignment and a responsibility to that child because they weren’t asked to be here. We have to do something to solve this problem so that we have awareness, and then we need a plan. Fixing ourselves is a sure way to get to this plan because we do see the world as we are.

I’m the way about my children because I see myself as a sturdy, competent, and loving human being. All I have to give to my children is what I have in abundance. I view my life very seriously, so I view their life seriously. You can’t fake it. You can’t be insecure about yourself, but secure about your children. You have to put the man together first. You have to put the woman together first. You have to figure out who the heck you are so that you can give them the best available. That’s the only way this is going to work. When you look at them, you look at yourself, but you do view the world from the inside out.

You said that’s how you take care of your children. You take care of yourself first.

You have to.

Everything that I see you do, from what you consume in books, podcasts, and literature to the food and the company that you keep, you cannot say, “I won’t allow these people around my children,” and then allow anybody around yourself. You have to live the life that you’re going to go and then provide for your children. When we look at these statistics, that’s the whole reason for this show. I do not think people are aware. People might know, like, “Tim doesn’t have a dad in his house.” That’s fine. I don’t think that they know the risk that Tim faces and the statistics that he has in front of him.

I’m sure we’ll go into it on other topics, but you’re all you have. We have to start realizing that the queen is not going to fight the king. It doesn’t make sense. Whether or not you guys are together or not, you have a product. You have something that you should be proud of. This is unacceptable because this is the eagle or the moose. Having that child and leaving them to chance, they’re going to get eaten. They’re getting eaten by a bear, but it’s not a bear. It’s corporations.

It’s society.

It’s the government. It’s the system. They’re all our children, because when I go pump gas, the fatherless child that pulls up who’s hungry inside, who’s he going to rob? Who’s he going to fight? Who’s he going to go to for advice? Who is he going to talk to? The guy at the station. They’re all our children. That’s another reason for the show. As a father, I’m personally compelled to bring awareness and solve world problems. We want to leave this world better than it is. It is a beautiful thing to be alive. That’s why we’re here.

When you don’t have it in your house, that’s why we want to talk. That’s why we want to bring awareness. There are eighteen million people out there like you, so to be able to be a community for each other. We’ve been talking about fatherlessness. That’s the male role. That male role affects women and men. These statistics are not just about young men who are suffering.

As a woman who grew up with a father in the home, but busy working and not being present, I had to do a lot of work on myself. You grow up without that protector. If the protector is always out, giving all of his time and attention somewhere else, the rippling effects of the absences are felt no matter what. You can be present and not generate a presence in your home. That effect is lifelong.

The Absence Of A Father Is Felt (Present But Not Present)

That’s another statistic. You have the absentees, and then you have the ones that are in the house, but in the basement. They can’t be found out. They’re out trying to provide. Here’s something that I had to learn. As a father, you protect and provide in many ways. Monetary is just one. That’s a trick of society, because what if you’re both out doing monetary things?

Who’s watching the kids?

The prisons are watching the kids.

The drugs. The gangs.

Instagram is watching the kids. Video games are watching the kids.

Why do you think 60% of youth suicides happen in fatherless homes? It’s because social media and video games are telling your kids, “You have to look like this. Do this. Now, do this challenge. Compete in this. Do all that.” Our kids are dying. Our kids are getting locked up. Our kids are homeless. We have to do something about it.

That’s our show for the day. It’s about the epidemic of fatherlessness. We push for something better. It starts with our own identity. It starts with us identifying who we are, what we want, and where we’re going.

You can’t fix a problem you don’t know about. You can’t fix a problem you can’t acknowledge. People talk about mothers all the time. We are amazing. We grow humans. There is no body greater than a woman’s body. We grow life. If you grow life and then do not care that it is left out in the open, left for chance, and left with no protector, then what did you go through all that for? If you look at the miracle of getting pregnant and having a child, the statistic is 1 in 400 million is your likelihood of giving birth. It’s a miracle. Every child is an actual miracle. Let’s protect them as such. Let’s raise them as such. Let’s raise awareness of the issues and fix the actual issues with them.

Thank you, guys, for tuning in.