Co-Parenting

Full transcript · two voices

Why Co-Parenting Is The World’s Most Important Decision

We’re talking about co-parenting.

It’s probably one of the biggest most important things in the world.

There’s about 15 million children who live exclusively with their mothers in the US, and about another 3 million that live exclusively with their fathers in the US.

Look at the drastic difference in those numbers.

There’s a big difference. Our goal is to bring awareness of this and talk about solutions because the children are our future.

They are all that matter at the end of the day. If you think about co-parenting, two adults decided to lay down with each other and a child was born. The only person that did not consent to this arrangement is the child. Why are they the ones that have to suffer?

It’s because the bar night didn’t go well.

That is one of the most important things. We’ll talk about that later, but choose wisely. It’s the most important choice to ever make in your whole life. It’s not, “I wore this red jacket. I hope the red jacket doesn’t clash with my red hair.” It is a lifelong decision that you’re making. You are choosing someone to raise a human with. It doesn’t get any deeper or more serious. If there was one thing that you had to spend a lot of time on in life, it’s that.

After putting yourself together. Your legacy as it’s coming up afterwards is so important. I hope it’s important to you. It’s important to us.

We look at co-parenting and people think it’s just we’re going to set this up. You get them sometimes and I get them sometimes. That’s all known. Co-parenting is so much more than that. I think parents use children as a tool. They use them as a punishment. They say that half of the people that are on child support suffer an extreme hardship because of that child support. The most weaponized thing that people do is if you can’t pay in full, you can’t see your child.

I can tell you what. Your presence means so much more than that extra $50 or $500. I don’t care what the number is. If you have a parent who wants to be there, who wants to be involved and they are struggling financially. They are making up for it with their presence and you do not let those children see them. Shame on you. The presence of both parents is going to lead to the success of that child so much more than anything else.

Coming from a household where the father contributed and thought he was amazing for being a paycheck. Let me tell you. There’s three little girls that grew up in that home that would have taken him being present at soccer games, volleyball games, band competitions or family dinners more than any paycheck.

You got to think about this, though. Money is the most used excuse in exchange for anything that’s important. “I was going to get a bag.” “That’s why you missed your daughter’s birth. Cool.” You could insert it in this culture, in this capitalistic society to anything. “It’s a noble thing.” It’s not fucking noble. We need to get back to nature. We need to get back to our biology and physiology of how we function as humans because that’s all that fucking matters. You live all the time on the inside of your body.You don’t live on the outside of your body.

The Child Support Cycle: How Money Weaponizes Your Kids

People get so mad because they expect, “I’m going to be with this person forever,” then it doesn’t work out like most things. The punishment is, “I’m going to make you pay for it.” There’s a lot of ways that people try to make each other pay for it. Money’s dead. It’s a dead piece of paper, but people are so obsessed with money. The only one that suffers is the child. If I say that the father’s never there, then I get more child support.

He can’t pay. I don’t let him see him so then I say, “He’s not there even more.” I ask for more money. It’s just a cycle. Now your son or your daughter thinks their father doesn’t care about them or their father doesn’t want to see them. Little do they know that you’re literally precluding that from happening. That the child suffers. The child gets a complex. All of these things. The only person that suffers is the child.

The statistic is just alarming. Eighteen million children in the United States are fatherless. I think about in my previous life, I’ve raised two step kids and one of them for over ten years. I fathered the child. I remember the mother told me, “If you’re not a good husband, you can’t be a good dad.” The two are not the same.

It had nothing to do with each other.

At all. I’ll find someone to father my kids. I guess she didn’t notice the statistics of people with their own biological children.

I’m glad you said that because one of the statistics that I was going to bring up is that co-parenting after separation drastically drops. The cooperation and co-parenting drastically drops when one of the other parents gets in a new relationship.

Isn’t that crazy?

How is that possible?

The child is based on the partner. Not the child.

The relationship with the child.

The relationship with the child is based on the actual relationship with the partner.

We’re good until you move on and then you can’t see the kid anymore.

All of a sudden, I move on and I can’t be a father.

How is that possible?

Does that make sense? The kid is then not important in a society structured like that. The kid is a pawn at that point at its own expense.

Again, if adults had emotional intelligence, they would realize, “If all I want is the best for my child, if I know that you’re an amazing father,” regardless of our title. We’ve talked about this before. The only guarantee in life or the only guarantee title that you will have that will never ever expire is mom or dad. I could have a title as single and then get a relationship. I’m not single anymore, but I could have my last name. I got married and it changed there. Everything in life changes. There are no guarantees but let me tell you something. The second you have a child, whether you’re married or single, you’re a mom, you’re a dad. You will never lose that title onto the day you die.

It’s a shame we don’t take it more seriously.

If I know that you’re an amazing man, hopefully I chose wisely to pick you as the father of my child.

I got lucky.

Who knows? I’ll take a look.

Sometimes looks play into this because we don’t know what we’re doing.

We use each other as examples. I know that if this ever didn’t work out, you’re never going to choose a partner that wouldn’t treat our child with the utmost respect, be loving to them and protective of them and respectful to me. To me, that’s a bonus for our children.

That goes back to how I view myself. The accountability of what I have in the standard for myself, that’s what that goes back to.

It’s emotional intelligence and you know that I love and our children are my number one focus. If I ever chose to move on and bring some around. He’s going to be someone that you would feel comfortable being around. That is again just another person. Let me tell you when they say it takes a village to raise your children. It’s probably one of the most accurate statements that they’ve ever made. As parents, if you are aware, you know who you are and you have an identity.

You pick a phenomenal community because our environment is one of the most important things in the world. That’s just adding another person. Instead of being a child yourself, an immature selfish child to say, “Do you want to move on? Now you can’t see your child.” You have just deprived their other parents of the most important other half of their life.

We see that now that we’re older and we’re maturing. We realize that so much about life is bullshit and doesn’t matter. We start thinking about meaning, the reasons for being here and purpose. Those are things that are at the focal point as you journey through this life. What we’re trying to do is to make sure that you’re aware of that now wherever you are. Whether you’re 15, 20, 30, 40, or 50.

These are the conversations you ought to be having with yourself, who am I and where am I going. Those types of things, because they affect everything. They affect your community that you have around yourself, your children and your loved ones. It affects the mothers of your children. This whole life is one big community.

Your Core Relationships: Self-Identity And The Co-Parent Connection

First of all, the most important relationship you have in life is a relationship with yourself.

That’s number one.

The second most important relationship you can have is with the other parents to your child.

Do you guys remember Sesame Street? Count.

Number one and two. When you look at that, there is a reason that those two relationships are put before the relationship with your children. Those two relationships will alter that relationship 100%. If you are not good with yourself, you are not going to be the person that your children need. If you are not good with yourself, you cannot be the co-parent partner. You could be married and you still have to co-parent. This is not just separation.

Those two relationships with yourself and with the other half of your child’s parents are going to literally illustrate the framework for raising that child. If you don’t foster, nurture and focus on those two first, it is going to show in how you show up as a parent. It is going to show how you treat your children, how you do things and don’t do things. You have to think about that.

A lot of parents just think that, “I’m going to strictly talk to them about the kids or I’m just going to talk to them when I need to.” Why would I not want to pour into you, regardless of our relationship? I know that when I’m not there and you’re with your child, how healthy you are mentally and physically. I want you the best you, you can be when raising our child when I’m not around.

It is very mature and centered. That takes a very fulfilled person to think like that. If you’re hungry as fuck, you’re outside looking to eat every day. You know what I mean. If you’re full, then you could think it’s the same adage where you have children in the hood where I grew up. Shout out to Savoun. He’s rough. We went to school to eat sometimes and you have other kids that went to school to learn.

It’s the same thing with co-parenting. These people are still hungry. They’re still thirsty. That’s why you got moms and dads out there shirtless with selfies. Motherfuking has seven kids. Why did you get your shirt off? It’s about time you keep everything on. Keep it all on. That’s the problem. You got eight motherfucking kids. Keep your goddamn clothes on, so we don’t have to go through this shit and add to the statistics. Why do you want to be number one on the hit list of statistics? It’s ridiculous.

We can’t have nice things.

To me, you don’t need to have social media if that’s what you’re up there doing. You’re thirst trapping with seven kids.

I think that that goes back to the relationship. If you are doing what you just described. Not recommended. You’re not good with yourself. Again, that goes into your parenting. You’re going to be the parent who is at the dinner table with your child and why they’re trying to tell you about their day. They’re trying to have fun with you. You are checking your likes on my social media.

They’re not even at the dinner table. They’re in the DMs.

That’s what I’m saying. Your child is trying to talk to you and you are nodding because you want to see if your most recent selfie got over five likes.

It doesn’t even matter how much you got because the same people are shooting it. You might as well just sit down and be a good mom and dad and have a problem.

It’s priorities. We touch on problems in this show and then we go to solutions.

Beyond Identity: Stopping Parentification & Letting Kids Be Kids

What is this parentification thing? I can’t believe it’s a fucking word. I almost couldn’t pronounce it.

I just learned it. There’s so many things that I learned that I’m like, it makes me so sad that these things exist like parentification. It’s where your child feels obligated to take care of the emotions of the parent. No child should ever have to feel like they have to be the man of the house. No child should have to feel like they have to be the emotionally stable one in the house.

Something’s going to be missing. You got Johnnie this 14 or 15 and thinks he’s the man of the house until the grown man shows up caving in his chest. You can’t do that. While you’re doing that, you’re not being the child you should be.

That’s my point. There’s a thing that says, a child laughs 1,000 times a day and an adult laughs 15,000. They say, “I’m looking for a partner that I want to grow old with.” No. Look for a partner that you can be a child with again. Childhood is one of the most beautiful things. When you look at a child, we often say, what is the root issue for all people? Lack of?

Identity.

Thank you. I was going to say don’t let me down. I know you know the answer. Lack of identity. A child hasn’t been told who to be yet. A child is an astronaut one day. He’s a dinosaur writer the next day. He’s a doctor one day. His imagination or her imagination is so beautiful and so wild that every day, they can be anything they want to be. They have an imagination to create their own reality and they’re so happy, playful and loving because society hasn’t said, “Stop doing that. Stop laughing so loud. Your voice is terrible. Don’t sing anymore.” They just fit them into this little box but now they feel like, “I got to do this and I can’t do this.”

If you take that away from a child and you make them feel like they have to be an adult when they still should be running, playing, singing and doing all the silly things that kids do. You’ve ruined the most precious time in their life. For what because you can’t figure you out? No. We have failed as parents or parentification, if that’s a real word.

It’s so sad, but we got to do something about it. This is a re-occurring theme. One of the things that we have to do is we have to put ourselves together first. We got to change our perspective in how we look at things. If the child is truly important then that’s what we both work together to give that child love, safety, and security. It’s beyond us.

Our decisions are what’s best for the kids.

With that perspective change, we view ourselves differently when we take care of ourselves, then we could take care of our child. That’s one of the biggest things. People are just throwing it off because they’re so thirsty. They’re not good with themselves. Every problem we have stems from identity. Find one. If you find one that doesn’t stem from identity, then you let us know. Everything stems from identity, from insecurities and to everything. As parents, we have to change the way we think about things and how we look at relationships and how we look at the mother of our children just because they’re not serving you.

Why does a mother have to serve you? You have a child. I have this problem with one of my buddies. We talk about this all the time and he’ll make reference to his children’s mom. I’m like, “What does that have to do with your children?” “You don’t know how they treated that guy.” I don’t give a fuck how they treat it the guy. He has a child. It does not matter to me how they treat the guy. That’s another problem when you think about identity. As a man, we’re the foundation. We’re the rock.

You set the tone for everything.

You can’t be emotional about anything that needs to get done. It just has to get done. I got to cut the grass, whether it rains, sleet or snows. The grass is going to be there waiting for me to cut the fucking grass. You have to cut the grass. Get your attitude intact. Stop acting like a little bitch and go cut the grass. Take care of your fucking children. No matter what the woman does, try your best to work around that. Don’t react because you have something precious at stake.

Again, identity is it. We see the world as we are. Not as it is. What is inside of you is all that you can give. If you are miserable with yourself, everything you view, everyone you talk to, everything that you do is from a source of misery. If you are full of love, everyone you contact, everything you say is going to exude love.

I was just talking to Charlie about that. By the way, the best fucking coffee you ever had Charlie makes.

I already drank mine, so it was that good.

It’s a me thing. It’s not a you thing. I project how I feel unto you. If I’m good with myself then, all of a sudden, I’m giving you love. If I’m not good with myself, I’m trying to nitpick and be like, “You get on my nerves, this and that.” We got to fix the problem and the problem usually rests with us. One of the keys to co-parenting that I see, as a co-parent is going into it with my self fixed, whole, full of love, optimistic, gracious, and compassionate then you get a better product. As a man, I can’t form new men because it’s a little diluted. You set the tone for the most part. Our sweat regulates our partner.

Final Solutions: Intentional Procreation And The Power Of DNA

Think about that. The male sweat regulates the female body and it transitioned exactly where I was going next. We talked about it before but I want to say it. One of the solutions because again, humans are the only species that procreate without a purpose. If we take more time and choose partners based on intentionally procreating, wanting to have children and choosing a better partner.

That is something. If we take the time in the beginning, then we know what we’re doing. We don’t have to figure it out over here because we are intentional with our actions. I think to myself all the time and we’ve talked about this before. When a man and woman have a child, that man’s DNA forever changes the woman. It literally stays in her body. Not only has she reproduced a form of the man.

She is now becoming a different version of herself with that man. If that doesn’t tell you how important the male and the female are, what we can do, what it creates and how it forever changes. We talk about how powerful the female body is right. We grow children but the male DNA is so powerful that it changes that amazing body forever. It’s never the same.

It’s like a sandlot forever.

That’s why we can’t have nice things. If people took the time and thought about the life-changing choices they make every time they lay down with somebody. They might think twice before laying down which is anybody.

That’s so true.

Perspective change is one of the huge things. Loving yourself is one of the huge things. More importantly, you don’t have to want to be with another person. You don’t have to want to know what they’re doing or hang out with them.

This is after the fact because if you don’t want to be with them, you don’t want to hang out and you don’t want to see them. They don’t do it.

Stuff happens. If you are not intentional and even sometimes when you are intentional. Life happens. People grow and they grow in different directions. That’s okay because again if I want the best for my child because the child should be the most important thing. If I want the best for my child, I always want the best for their parents.

I agree. I feel that way and it’s one of the most important relationships after yourself that you will ever have. That’s one of the most precious things that you could ever produce as an offspring.

If you want to create and raise the most amazing child that you can, statistics show or study show that having two loving supporting involved parents is the best thing you could ever do for your child. Let them grow up and change the world and that’s going to start with you.

That’s our episode for the day. I’m your host Hugo. We have Red and Charlie’s coffee. Thank you, guys, for reading. Much love to you, guys. Co-parent greatly.